A Hard Week and My Views on Performance Anxiety

This week, I learned a hard lesson about how attached I am to people’s approval.

There was a point in my life when I knew I was a people-pleaser. Growing up in a loving home that some saw as a “gold star” household, I unknowingly developed a self-concept based on external praise. This led me to seek validation from others instead of looking inward.

When I don’t receive that validation, I tend to spiral into anxiety and control, pushing myself to perform even more, to try harder, and to be better, all in hopes of getting that pat on the back. And then, the cycle continues.

In recent years, I’ve become more mindful of this pattern. Understanding that these attachments aren’t truly me but are instead constructs that have formed over the years has been enlightening.

I’ve been practicing “watching the thrill meter” rise with affirmation and fall with silence. Through this, I’ve learned that I am not the highs and lows, but the observer of these fluctuations.

In my work, I don’t just deal with physical things but also with people’s attachments to these things. These attachments often drain our time, energy, and mental clarity. Shedding light on these attachments is the first step to letting go.

I may never reach a state of zero attachment, and that might not even be the goal. But for now, the work is in the watching and the mindful observation of my reactions.