A Hard Week and My Views on Performance Anxiety

This week, I learned a hard lesson about how attached I am to people’s approval.

There was a point in my life when I knew I was a people-pleaser. Growing up in a loving home that some saw as a “gold star” household, I unknowingly developed a self-concept based on external praise. This led me to seek validation from others instead of looking inward.

When I don’t receive that validation, I tend to spiral into anxiety and control, pushing myself to perform even more, to try harder, and to be better, all in hopes of getting that pat on the back. And then, the cycle continues.

In recent years, I’ve become more mindful of this pattern. Understanding that these attachments aren’t truly me but are instead constructs that have formed over the years has been enlightening.

I’ve been practicing “watching the thrill meter” rise with affirmation and fall with silence. Through this, I’ve learned that I am not the highs and lows, but the observer of these fluctuations.

In my work, I don’t just deal with physical things but also with people’s attachments to these things. These attachments often drain our time, energy, and mental clarity. Shedding light on these attachments is the first step to letting go.

I may never reach a state of zero attachment, and that might not even be the goal. But for now, the work is in the watching and the mindful observation of my reactions.

Proceed While Being Afraid

Everyone has something that’s holding them back, and if examined closely, fear is at its root. Tomorrow, I am speaking to Konmari Consultants-in-Training on the topic “Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone.” I decided to include part of my presentation here because it can apply to all areas of your life.

Enjoy!

3 tips on getting out of your comfort zone to a joy-sparking career:

1. Proceed while being afraid.  Taken from Vernon Howard’s booklet, “Practical Exercises For Inner Harmony.”  Vernon writes: “The next sentence you read is astonishingly powerful: Instead of trying to be unafraid, march on with the inner task while being afraid.  This is the exact opposite of usual behavior, which is why it produces opposite results.  Trying to be unafraid merely produces more fear, so end this wrong way.  Here is what to do.  Find small timid areas within yourself and just go ahead and do what your timidity does not want you to do.  Act while being afraid to act.  This calls the bluff on fear.  Maybe you are shy about speaking up when with certain people.  Just go ahead and say something while noticing your own deliberate defiance of the fear.  See you did it.”  
   

2. Be honest. Get really clear on your values and what you want and what sparks joy for you. Live a life of integrity  true to your values. In the book, “Book Yourself Solid,” author Michael Port talks about “red carpet clients,” meaning you know the exact type of clients that will energize you and are in your niche to serve.  Tune into what you want, as if you were holding a piece of clothing in the Konmari method.  Figure out what you want and speak from your heart when you speak to others.

3. Don’t take yourself so seriously. When I find myself wanting to control things or get too attached to the outcome that is when I get anxious. When I focus on joy, I am able to enjoy the journey.  It’s not really about “when I get there,” it’s the here and now.  It’s when you are practicing with a client, setting up the website, even as I type this blog or you read it.  You have to enjoy the moment because that’s what we have.

I will close with a story that happened on our most recent vacation. My 5 year old daughter and I were swimming in the ocean. She was scared to swim to me. Instead of telling her “There’s nothing to worry about, be brave.” I told her to say, “I’m scared and I will swim anyway.” And she did!

So jump into the ocean. Let the waves hit you. You never know what exhilaration and freedom the water will hold for you. Dive into the deep. Call the bluff on fear. Proceed while being afraid. And swim anyway.

My Top 5 Strengths according to the Gallup StrengthsFinder (you may be as surprised as I was!)

This Memorial Day weekend we stayed with some friends and the wife (Lyndsey) was a trained consultant for CliftonStrengths.  I took the 30 minute assessment and here are my strengths in order and my thoughts about them:

1. Empathy. I admit that I kinda frowned when I found out this was my top strength.  In the past especially, feeling the feelings of others led to a lot of people-pleasing and anxiety. It’s been MUCH better through therapy and mindset work (reach out if you want more details on this - I gotchu!).  However, upon talking to Lyndsey I saw how this strength was uber-useful in my consulting business to truly be able to listen and relate to my clients.

2. Connectedness. This strength belongs to those annoying people who say, “Everything happens for a reason.”  I did not even know this was a strength (Lyndsey said it’s one of those rare ones). I wondered if strengths can fluctuate based on traumatic events because I really started leaning into this one after Van’s mom unexpectedly passed from COVID 3 years ago.  During our discussion of Connectedness, we talked about my desire to “give the gift of presence” to people I meet - even cashiers at the grocery store.  This strength also showed up in me admiring the beauty of nature all around me.

3. Maximizer - making good things great. Yes, I was the stereotypical overachieving, straight A-is-for-Asian student, but didn’t realize there’s a strength for that.  Of course, this gift helps me turn chaos into order and come in to closets with a plan and purpose. My blind spot could be knowing when to stop (for myself or others). I guess that’s where the empathy kicks in!

4. Developer - I LOVE bringing out the best in others. That’s why I enjoy the Konmari method so much. It’s not just about coming in and making things pretty in bins. I work one-on-one to do some deep subconscious transformations! And yes, I can claim that.

5. Belief.  Living life by my values. This fuels my Konmari work. I love helping people live to their true values and let go of what’s not serving them.

Have you taken the StrengthFinder? What are yours? Do mine surprise or confirm things?

I’d love to hear from you!

Top 5 Reasons I Love Being a Konmari Consultant

Here they are in no particular order:

1. I am able to volunteer at my kids’ school. I wasn’t able to do this with my firstborn (although I plan to make up for it!), but my daughter’s kindergarten class knows me and I know all of them. It’s one of my favorite things to do!  I’m easily able to not schedule clients on special event or field trip days - which there seems to be more of lately!

2. I love using my spatial awareness skills to make spaces beautiful. Whenever I see a “messy” space, I see so much potential!  I know all the space needs is some TLC. Once the client has chosen everything that sparks joy, of COURSE the space will feel a difference!

3. I get an instant dopamine hit every session. You know that great feeling when you declutter and drop off donations? I get to experience that EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

4. I see a genuine inside out transformation in my clients, and how they go about their daily lives. This one is really cool. Slowly but surely, you see a change in how they talk, how they make decisions, and of course how their spaces look and feel. It is amazing to see subconscious beliefs actually shifting as we go through the process.

5. I really resonate with the value of “sparking joy.” I don’t necessarily need to worry about the “how do I get there.”  I can spark joy with decisions in my home, with my kids, and trust that will spill over to my career.

If you’re interested in the Konmari journey or becoming a Konmari consultant, please reach out. I’m happy to help!

Simple Home Systems that Work For Our Family

Today I’m keeping this blog post short and sweet. No details, but letting you all take what you want and put your spin on it! What could these mean for your home?

◦ 10 min tidy

◦ Purchase pause

◦ After meals, everyone stays in kitchen until it’s clean

◦ Don’t put it down, put it away.

◦ Sabbath day

◦ Where is its home? Everything has a home

◦ Laundry - divide and conquer

◦ Spark joy - what can I do to create joy?

Feel free to ask me any more questions! I’d love to hear simple systems you use for your home or if any of these resonate with you!

Using Chat GPT to live out your purpose (Is it that simple?)

Yes. Well, kind of.

I plugged in a bunch of my journal entries and wrote “What can I do tomorrow that will be aligned with my purpose?”

Here’s the bot’s spot-on recommendations:

Based on your values and interests, here are a few ideas for tomorrow:

Help Someone Declutter: Offer to help a friend or family member declutter a specific area of their home using the Konmari method. This aligns with your passion for helping others and creating spaces that spark joy.

Quality Time with Family: Plan a special activity with your husband and children, such as a nature walk, a family game night, or a picnic in the park. This aligns with your focus on family and creating meaningful connections.

Self-Care: Dedicate some time to rest and rejuvenation. This could be a relaxing bath, a meditation session, or simply some quiet time to reflect. Taking care of yourself aligns with your goal of living a life that doesn't require an escape.

Inspiring Others: Share a post on social media or write a blog post about something that inspires you or brings you joy. This aligns with your desire to inspire others and spread positivity.

Healthy Habits: Engage in a workout or physical activity that you enjoy, such as a walk in nature or a home workout. Taking care of your physical health aligns with your overall goal of living a healthy and fulfilling life.

Choose one or more of these activities that resonate with you and align with your purpose, and enjoy the fulfillment that comes from living in alignment with your values.

Thank you Chat GPT!

Do any of these sound good to you?  How do you use Chat GPT? I love hearing what others do!

Behind-the-scenes: I met Marie Kondo!

In 2016, I read “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and it’s been my background obsession ever since. A couple weeks ago, I was able to met its legendary author, Marie Kondo at a Konmari Consultant meet up in Jersey City.

That night was a bit surreal and there were a few moments that stood out:

• A large canvas posed a thought-provoking question, “If you were to imagine your ideal life, what would you be doing?” (I’ll cherish the answer in my heart for a bit.)

• Squeezing/kneeling behind Marie in the group photo and seeing her beautiful pleated royal blue skirt lay perfectly on the ground.  “If I could just touch the hem of her garment,” I thought. Jk, it’s not like that, but it was an inner chuckle moment.

• Talking with Marie’s extroverted, bubbly husband about regular home life with kids, how they met (started off as friends), and how they share the same values of changing the world in their own unique way.

• Mindfully soaking in the night with the Hyatt’s floor to ceiling windows: the view of Manhattan skyline, the Statue of Liberty, and the Hudson River. Being present and enjoying the moment.

All in all, the night was inspiring and fun! I felt joyfully connected with other consultants and members of the Konmari team, who have done so much for the community.

I am truly grateful for this experience.

Do I declutter before or after a move?

Posting a question and answer between me and a client (edited for anonymity and clarity) -

Q: When is it better to just start packing to save time vs going through what to keep/donate?

A: Great question!

Each item = time

The more you can discard, the less time you will be spending handling that item.

For example, a glass flower vase - you have to pick it up, find some bubble wrap, find the right box for it, wrap it efficiently among other things, close the box, label the box, move the box to the garage, move it to your new house, look through all the boxes to locate that vase, open the box, decide where that vase will go on your shelf. You’ll have to wash the vase, dust the vase. If the vase is in front of other things you’re trying to reach, then you’re going to move that vase again, etc.

If you love the vase, keep it with joy! It’s worth your time and brings value to your life.

Otherwise, it’s much easier to discard. The vase no longer takes your time.

We don’t have to do it perfectly, but everything is a learning process and we do what we can when we can with what we have.

As I told **** (who had been experiencing the guilt of “wasting”), just use those feelings and harness them for the future to really guard what comes in the new home, and to be intentional.

I came across a frame you had that said “Trust the timing of everything.” Just like your boxes came in at the perfect time, believing for the right provisions for your move.

The One Question I Ask Myself Before Packing Clothes For A Trip

In order to be minimal yet put together, I created a travel capsule wardrobe for my recent trip to the Philippines.

Before packing, I asked myself this question:

How do I want to feel about my clothes to the Philippines? What do I want to be wearing?

These were the words that came to mind:

• Comfortable

• Effortless

• Dressed for the occasion

• Flattering

• “Me”

• Admirable

This answer helped frame the direction of the items I brought with me. And when it came down to whittling my final favorites, I took them all out and made sure that they passed the “spark joy test” before placing them in the packing cube.

My Top 3 Konmari travel tips with kids

I’m writing this on the plane going home from an epic two week trip to the Philippines with my two young kids.

We had a pretty full schedule - 15 days. 11 flights. 5 cities. 3 islands. For the first week, we packed up and slept in a new place every day!

These are my top 3 Konmari traveling tips with kids

1. Minimal - each kid had ONE packing cube. They were able to share a carry-on while Van and I limited ourselves to one carry on each. This was a total of 3 carry-ons which included wedding clothes and pasalubong (a Filipino tradition of gifts). I packed a capsule wardrobe for each with theme colors.

2. Organized - each person had a dedicated color for their packing cube and a dedicated luggage so they knew where to find everything. Toiletries, money, chargers, jewelry were all put in the same place. I bought this jewelry organizer for the trip and it was awesome!

3. Play to their personalities - I have one kid who gets his energy from people and another who charges up by being “home.” Allowing Cella to stay in the hotel room during the wedding reception and Avi to sit with us and party filled up their batteries.

If you are hesitant to travel with kids my advice is - just do it! It can be a juggle, but making memories with the family is priceless!